I Don't Know Why
by x.imagine.x
Summary: Sam reflects on his love for Ruby after Season 3 finale. AU


**Disclaimer: I don't own any characters I use or Supernatural.**

**Also, I just wanted to say that I know this is a little far-fetched, but I can't get it out of my head. I also invented a time when Sam confesses his love for this girl to Dean, because there really wasn't any fitting time in the season for him to actually say it. I may have changed a few more aspects of the season's plot as well just to make it fit and be more believable.**

**I'd also like to thank my beta for this story, ****bLaDeoFtHeNeBuLa! Thank you so much for all your help!**

**So, thanks for reading my little paragraph if ya did, and enjoy!**

**I Don't Know Why**

I don't know why I love her, I just do. It's not like I planned it or anything. I didn't think I'd ever fall in love again. Especially not with her. We are complete opposites, and in my experience, that never works out. She seemed like the first person that I could trust besides Dean and Bobby. She was the only other person in this world that I have felt really understood me, besides my brother. She might even know a small part of me better than Dean does. Dean always used to tell me that I'm a wimp for having thoughts like these. Times when I used to just sit down and think like this would end with Dean mocking me, and me rushing out to find the nearest bar, or going for a walk. Dean didn't approve of her. I know that much. In fact, he down right hated her. But Dean's not here anymore. He can't say anything. If only she was here too…but She's gone now. She was sent to Hell. I hate to think of what it's like down there, what she and Dean are going through. I entertained the thought of going to the Devil's Gate and opening it up about a week ago, but then I realized what that would mean. Setting hundreds of demons and such free just wasn't worth it. The world wouldn't suffer for my happiness. I wouldn't be so callous. Besides, the way I've heard Hell described, it doesn't sound like Dean's going to come out of it unscathed. It doesn't sound like she could stand it either. If I had the Colt, I might have already done it without thinking. Maybe not having it was a blessing in disguise.If Dean were here right now, he'd tell me how stupid I am to be thinking of her. There's something about her that just makes her stick in my mind. I can't stop thinking about her. Her biting sarcasm, her condescending smirk, her perfect face; It all fits together so perfectly. I thought she had me fooled once, but she really didn't. She had Dean fooled, and that's hard, too bad I really thought she had me fooled until it was too late… Maybethat's why she him off so much; because she tricked him that one time, but he thought she was lying to me. Maybe that's a part of this. Maybe there's a part of these feelings that are just all about pissing Dean off, showing my brother that he can't always boss me around. I always hated it when he did that. Sometimes I just wanted to walk away, not look back. Of course, I wouldn't. That's why I didn't tell him. I knew he'd try to tell me I couldn't love her. He'd try to boss me around and talk me out of it. But I couldn't stand it when he went on one of his hour long rants about what a she was, and before I knew it, one night, I had blurted out the secret that I had so diligently kept for all those months… _"What did you just say?" Dean demanded, halting his search through one of the black overnight bags for his razor. "Nothing," I said, too quickly."Didn't sound like nothing to me. I must have heard you wrong though. 'Cause it sounded like you said you loved… I can't even say it." He continued, shaking his head, an amused grin on his face. _

_Well I'm going to wipe that stupid grin off your face in the next second. I thought,grinning to myself. I normally wouldn't tell Dean something like this, but now that I'd said it, I was going to do it right. Just to see the look on his face. _

"_You didn't." I said tonelessly. _

"_What?" Dean asked, staring at me blankly. _

"_You didn't hear me wrong." I repeated simply._

_Dean whipped around, "Wha- Sam. You're kidding, right?" Dean asked, that expectant look in his eyes. "Sammy… Please tell me you're kidding…" The look died from his eyes when I remained silent. _

_I just stared at him. _

_He turned away, rubbing his hand over his mouth, then moving the same hand to the back of his neck and rubbing it through his hair. He exhaled loudly. "Sam, you have got to be kidding me…" He said again. _

"_I thought we established that I wasn't." _

"_No, Sam, it's just… you could do so much better than… than…than _that_." Dean struggled to find fitting words. I could tell he was very uncomfortable. It was actually pretty funny. I let out a snort of laughter without meaning to. Dean looked at me oddly. "I don't really see how you find this funny Sam. There's nothing funny about any of this. I can't believe you'd betray how we were raised like this, how dad raised us. Dammit Sam! How could you betray everything you stand for like this? How could you betray me? How could you betray dad?"_

"_I'm not betraying anything Dean! I can't control how I feel! Do you think I want this? I don't! And don't talk to me about dad! He wouldn't care about me anyways!" _

"_Yeah, he would Sam. He would care that you're in love with the enemy! You can't feel this way Sam. You just can't."_

"_Yeah, I can. And nothing you say is going to stop me…" I said quietly, heading for the door, "I'm going for a walk." _I left Dean standing there, mouth open as if he wanted to say something. That was probably one of the only times my brother was speechless. What can I say? She has that effect on people. She left me speechless more than once. Of course, she always stuck in my head for days afterwards, sometimes even weeks. I've tried so many things to get rid of her, but nothing I do seems to work. She still haunts my thoughts. I suddenly remember this thing in old movies that people used to do to get certain people off their minds: they write letters to them.

No, that's stupid. I can already hear Dean laughing. She'd laugh too. I don't want to end up like one of those idiots in the movies that writes stupid, corny letters, only to shove them into a drawer to be forgotten, and then to discover them years later along with the feelings I've been having. I don't want that, but this is my only option to get her off my mind, if only for a few minutes. So, reluctantly, I grab a piece of paper and a pen, sit down, and start to write:

_Dear Ruby… _

A/N: Thanks for reading, and some reviews would be greatly appreciated! J


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